letter to god

a day in my shoes...
i WAKE UP.. numb.. the only feeling i have is if im tired, or if im completely awake. some morning, im so awake i feel like i could put the worlds problems on my shoulders, and have an actual plan on how to fix them. other mornings, i want someone to bury me in the deepest hole, probably in the deepest end of the ocean. Needless to say, everyday in my shoes.. feels worthless.. or like i could careless if im happy, or if i was alive tomorrow.
I go to work, pretending my life is fine. I act as if im happy, and i always have something that will keep me happy. As people look at me, they think im happy...the only thing that might throw them off, is the fact that i dont do my make/hair..and it looks like hell...
customers/friends/people i know.. ask me how my son is doing, for they know i was previously expecting. I give a genuin smile, and say.. he passed on a few months ago.. .. now.. everyoen i say this to stops.. they look at me as if someones punched them in the gutt and they dont know what to say.. so i go on with a careful look on my face saying.. " ohh..hhes doing better now.. he fought a long and hard battle, and hes doing better than ever where he is." .... i know people do not know what to say to me, i dont know what to mentally say to myself as this statement passes my lips. this happaneds a few times a week, each time, the lie of me saying hes doing good in heaven, happens to feel harder and harder each time i say it.
as people come and go to my window, i feel as if i phsycially go through lifess motions,, but as if im not mentally there. or as if life is just passing me by, and im just sitting still.
as i travel through life, i feel alone. i feel as if i do not truely know anyone whos had such a horrible experience as i have, and as if im all alone. i feel like god is punishing me...i mean.. if he wasnt.. why would he take suuch a precious gift away from someone. needless to say, i feel alone.. and as if i have no need in waking up tomrrow..
3 monthsly ago, iw ake up to a perfectly happy baby..it happens to be the morning after mommies day..the day before aiden, jeff, and i watched movies and spent the day in bed together.. i did do a few treatments though... and by night time.. i was ready for the nurse to take over. i lay in bed, listening to aiden whine, as he wakes up to a nurse he does not know.. he does not want her..he wants his mom or dad, or his theresa.. i feel a sence of relief with the nurse, i feel like even if aiden freaks out, she will be ok with him, just patting his butt, and singing baby einstine, for that is what mommy would do.
the next morning i wake up bright and early, for aidens 6am treatment.. i felt horrible for falling asleep while i listened to him cry with the new nurse the night before. my poor son has been through so much already, the least i can do for him is comfort him while his time on earth is brief, and i would never get that chance after he passed on.